My Deep Dark Hole

In 2005, my sister flew in from California to visit for a week. I was so excited. I had only learned the year before that I even had a sister. So for us to spend a week together was exciting. We had so many plans, and things we wanted to do together. It was going to be great. Her visit was during our time with our step daughter as well. So, as it turned out, it was stressful. Half way through the week, we decided to take the children bowling. A real treat. During the bowling trip, I ended up falling down the stairs, and injuring my shoulder. It put a damper on things, but we tryed to finish out the week on a good note.

As it would turn out, I needed surgery on my shoulder in order to fix it. I was in such extreme pain. I couldn't do my "normal" activities and it made it difficult to care for the children. It put us in quite a position. We really had no help in the home, and my husband had to work. We had no choice. I did my best to do what I could alone. The stress kept building. We set the surgery for January. It would be slow where my husband worked, and he could take a little time off to help me after I got home. I never realized how painful and long the recovery would be.

Spring came, and with it some hope. Things were still hard, but I was trying harder to make it work. Not realizing that each day I spent with my step daughter and her behaviors were pushing me to a breaking point. I just kept doing the best I could do.

The following winter, I got sick again. We didn't know what was going on. I ended up with a severe infection and cysts on my ovaries. I had to have a full hysterectomy. The recovery was longer and more painful than the shoulder surgery. The stressors kept on coming. I couldn't see an end it sight.

Following the surgery, I fell into a depression. I couldn't see how I could handle all the stress anymore. I became angry and I had a very difficult time dealing with our step daughters issues. I felt I never had the time to take care of myself. I had spent all this time caring for everyone but me. When was it my turn? And did I have to sit and endure all this abuse from a 4 year old? Was I really that crazy? I mean come on. How can you feel like a 4 year old is abusive? After all, she only a child.

I sank deeper and deeper into the depression. I needed help. And lots of it. I loved my husband. I couldn't picture my life with out him. But it was his baggage I could do with out. And there was no getting away from that. I felt I was loosing it. Not able to control my own emotions anymore, causing more stress on our marriage, and our children. It got to the point where my oldest children started taking care of me. And I was ashamed. I could no longer handle being a parent. Where had I gone wrong? I could only see that I had let all my children down time after time. If I couldn't be a parent, I shouldn't even be alive. That's exactly how I felt. I could easily rationalize all of it. They were better off, not having to take care of me. With the fear of being out of control, I ended up in the hospital.

Recovery ...its a long long process. I was in denial for so long. Medications and therapy, no matter how embarrassing, were helping. I had to dig my self out somehow. The hole had gotten so big, that I had fallen back in a few times. But, with help, I climbed back up the deep hole each time. Which brings us up to the present. Still recovering, and still dealing . My step daughter is now 6. And the behavior is worse than ever. But, I have made the decision to not let it get the better of me anymore. I need to let it make a better me. So here we are. I'm going to take you through, some difficult, some sad, and some fun times. Step parenting is a ride. But if you love your spouse the way I love mine, you'll take the ride at your own risk, as I am.